


i couldn't hide from the thunder (tragic end)

by varthandi



Series: a sky full of song [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Deceit | Janus Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Emotional Manipulation, Heavy Angst, I'm sorry about all the italics, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Italics, Janus Dies, Janus thinks Virgil hates him and leverages that in an argument, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Multi, Overuse of italics, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, Requited Unrequited Love, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:13:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29524839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/varthandi/pseuds/varthandi
Summary: It was cruel, the way Virgil’s heart belonged to someone who would never love him back. It had to be karma, because hadn’t it been Virgil who pushed him away? Virgil, who lashed out and locked out everybody in a moment of hurt, who was too afraid to admit his feelings, forever destined to see his beloved love someone else?[As it says in the title, this is the tragic ending. The happy end can be foundhere. The story is exactly the same up until the line, “From you? That would be nice, yeah!” and diverges from there.]
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: a sky full of song [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945960
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	i couldn't hide from the thunder (tragic end)

**Author's Note:**

> If you're here for the alternate ending, click here to skip to the diverging point.

Virgil didn't understand how things had gotten to this point.

He drifted vaguely into the kitchen, taking in nothing, trying not to think about how tired Patton looked when Virgil checked in on him only five minutes ago. Despite Virgil’s insistence that he rest, he was adamant on staying where he was, though he did ask if he could bring up something warm, like tea, or soup. Apparently it tasted better if it was handmade instead of summoned.

"Can you bring up two? For when he wakes up?" He had asked, eyes red with exhaustion, his normally exuberant smile timid and watery.

Virgil didn't want to. But he saw the tremor in the moral side's hand as he tried and failed to rub away the tiredness of his eyes, the other clutching Deceit's cold, unresponsive arm like a lifeline. So he agreed, of course he agreed, because Patton had asked, and it was important that Patton was happy. And if making Patton happy meant making Deceit happy…

Virgil sighed, rubbing his own eyes, pinching his nose as he tried to focus. He opened the cupboard to check what they had and spotted a tin of Patton’s (and Deceit’s, his brain unhelpfully reminded him) herbal tea. He figured it was a safer - and quicker - bet than food and grabbed a couple of tea bags and put them in some mugs, then filled the electric kettle and started it.

It was taking a while.

Wasn't there a saying about pots and boiling water or something?

If Patton was here, he'd probably make a pun, his grin bright and shining as Virgil rolled his eyes and pretended he wasn't amused.

If Deceit was here, he'd probably shoot back with a snarky pun of his own, in that silky-smooth voice of his, all arrogance and smirks.

…

If Deceit was here, Virgil wouldn't be doing any of this.

Virgil didn't know what had possessed him to go and confront the snake the day prior. He was just so _frustrated_ , unable to get the concept of Deceit charming his way into Patton’s daily life - and his heart - out of his head. Virgil was sure that the deceptive side had to be manipulating Patton somehow. And the sight of Patton, after everything he’d said, looking at Deceit with such fondness and affection whenever he saw them together, and Deceit doing the same - it made Virgil’s blood run cold and boil all at the same time. Virgil couldn’t stand it, the thought of the two of them, _together_. Deceit _had_ to be using Patton to gain more influence over Thomas, because Virgil refused to believe the lying serpent _could_ love anyone more than he loved himself. Because if he could...

Perhaps it was because no one had seen him in the last few days. That had Virgil worried, and the longer he failed to make an appearance, the more antsy Virgil got. Patton’s own fretting was driving him up the wall, but the other side kept saying something about “respecting his boundaries”.

He expected a fight. He expected the usual snark and sass and sarcasm. He didn’t expect to find Deceit’s room dark and freezing, or the side’s cold, dead-looking body curled up and slumped over in a pile on the ground.

Virgil wasn’t sure what happened after the others arrived. He hadn’t even been aware he was screaming until someone had grabbed him and sunk them both out into the commons, because even Remus knew that leaving Virgil anywhere near his own room in that state would have been a bad idea.

Whatever they did or found out, they had eventually managed to move Deceit to his bed and warm him and his room up without too much trouble, or so Virgil had discovered after he had calmed down.

Patton hadn’t left Deceit’s side since.

The shock had worn off completely then, replaced with renewed ire when Virgil realized Patton _wouldn’t_ leave until he woke up.

If Virgil was frustrated before, he was incensed now. What if this was part of Deceit’s plan? What if it was all just another plot to get them to trust him? What if it was all just another _lie_? Patton, bless his forgiving heart, was dangerously close to falling in love, if he hadn’t already.

And Virgil had tried, so, _so_ hard, to convince Patton to let _him_ take care of Deceit. At least then the moral side could get some rest, and Virgil would have a 24/7 watch on the serpentine side. And watch he would.

Virgil had to admit that Deceit was very convincing in the way he looked like he was falling just as hard for Patton, likely plying him with some sympathetic sob story designed to reel in the fatherly figment. Every little glance, every lingering stare, every miniscule twitch of Deceit’s eyes were focused on Patton, when he wasn’t mocking Virgil with forlorn eyes and _damn_ his acting abilities for making it look so genuine that Virgil couldn’t stop himself from glowering back, trying to catch him slipping up, to the point that every detail of his face, down to each and every _scale_ was ingrained in Virgil’s mind.

The anxious side honestly didn’t know how he could keep up the act. But while Virgil had years of experience with Deceit’s smug goading and flirtation, Patton was falling for it all, hook, line, and sinker. (But why _him_? Why not-)

Virgil didn't have to like it, but Deceit was one of _them_ now, and Patton would defend his acceptance to the bitter end. Such fierce loyalty, directed at the worst possible target. But however admirable Patton’s newfound devotion to and defensiveness of Deceit were, Virgil was determined to put a stop to it before the situation could change even more.

Now was probably the best time, given Deceit’s unconsciousness. The first thing to do was stop them from spending so much time together, before they actually _got_ together; it was a slim chance, given their recent closeness, but Virgil had to try _something_. He was running out of simple options - Patton would only worry more once separated from his not-yet(?) boyfriend, and asking him to just hang out would just be tactless and suspicious at this time. Virgil had even offered to stay there with him _and_ Deceit - so many times it sounded pathetically desperate even to himself - just so Patton could eat or sleep or simply stretch his legs for a minute, but Patton wouldn't budge. He hadn’t so much as drunk a glass of water unless someone put it into his hands.

Right, the tea.

He hadn’t noticed the kettle click off, but there was still steam rising from the spout so he poured the water into the mugs. He hesitated before putting the kettle away. Maybe Patton would let him stay a little, if he brought his own cup, and then Virgil could maybe convince him to leave Deceit alone with him for a few hours? Virgil would stay with Deceit for as long as it took.

He grabbed another mug and tea bag and poured himself a cup and grabbed both the other mugs with his free hand before carefully heading back up the stairs, focusing solely on not spilling anything as he walked.

He was just outside the door, wondering how he was supposed to get in when he heard a raised voice. It sounded like Patton.

Glancing around and finding no help, he ended up setting down his one mug on the floor and opened the door with his newly free hand, and slowly tilted his head inside.

“-ease, Janus!” Patton was kneeling next to the bed, clutching Deceit’s hand between his as if in prayer, his head turned away from the door, focused solely on the bed’s occupant.

Deceit was awake, just barely, eyes cracked open just enough to reveal a sliver of yellow and amber. As soon as Virgil had peeked in, he’d noticed and stared, expression unreadable. Virgil’s blood chilled at the sight of him, pale and pitiful and hardly able to keep his eyes open, looking so vulnerable and weak. Then Patton bowed his head, bringing their joined hands to his brow as he trembled, and Virgil’s blood burned in his veins. It was an act, he reminded himself. It had to be. Because if it wasn’t… then they...

Deceit mumbled something too soft for Virgil to hear, and Patton spun around to see him standing in the doorway, wide-eyed. He scrambled to his feet and gave Virgil an obviously fake smile, wiping away his tears. Virgil could feel his heart squeeze at the sight of him pretending he wasn’t hurting.

“Virgil! Janus is awake! Um,” he glanced at the bedridden side and back, spotting the mugs Virgil was holding, “oh, right, the tea! Thank you so much!”

He walked over quickly and grabbed the mugs, saying, “I’m sorry, kidd- uh, _Virgil_ , but I don’t think Janus is really ready for more people right now. I’m really sorry!”

Virgil’s heart dropped, but he managed to nod mutely, step out, and close the door behind him. He heard Patton cooing apologies to Deceit before the heavy wood cut off his voice with a finality that unsettled the purple side.

Virgil stood there for a minute.

Picked up his mug.

Made it all the way to his room.

Shut and locked the door.

Stood there another minute.

Started shaking.

Then, he threw the mug, tea and all, against the wall, splattering the hot liquid all over the posters and shattering the ceramic.

Virgil sank to the floor, hugging his knees, tucking his face into them.

It was cruel, the way Virgil’s heart belonged to someone who would never love him back. It had to be karma, because hadn’t it been _Virgil_ who pushed him away? Virgil, who lashed out and locked out everybody in a moment of hurt, who was too afraid to admit his feelings, forever destined to see his beloved love someone else?

He didn’t know how long he stayed there. Eventually, he managed to drag himself into bed and into sleep, so exhausted that his anxiety had no chance to keep him up before he was unconscious.

For the next week, Virgil settled into a vague routine of bringing tea to Patton (and Deceit) in the evening. Deceit had recovered rather ( _suspiciously_ ) quickly and was able to get up and walk for a bit. Still, Patton refused to leave him alone. If anything, he’d gotten _more_ protective. Logan, Remus, and even Roman would also pop in during the day to see how the two were doing, but they did not seem all that concerned with things, at least not as much as Virgil was. 

The worst part was how carefully the others would tread around _Virgil_ , like he was some pitiful, pathetic creature or something. It was no secret that he had a huge crush on Patton. (Was that why Deceit chose him? Or just a spiteful twist of fate?) Roman had teased him relentlessly about it before… recent events, but Remus had only gotten worse, ribbing Virgil about making a little threesome with Patton and Janus, after years of mocking him about Janus’s “flirting”. And while Logan didn’t participate, the logical side also talked about Virgil’s crush as a matter of fact while chastising the twins for their teasing. So Virgil had taken to just staying inside his room and taking a nap during the day and going out in the dead of night, when everyone else was sleeping.

The evening of that fateful night, Virgil drifted awake the same way he fell asleep, vaguely aware that he was in a state of transition before his mind caught up to whatever was happening. He pushed himself up and stretched, checked the time, then flopped down, eyes drifting closed again...

Why had he woken up so early? Usually he wouldn’t get up for at least another hour, unless he was being summoned for something. God, he was so damn tired these days, no matter how long he slept.

  


  


Virgil’s eyes snapped open and he bolted up.

Fuck, Thomas was getting anxious about something.

Virgil swung himself out of bed and ran his hand through his hair to hopefully smooth it out some, then sank out and appeared in usual place at the foot of the stairs.

Thomas was staring at his phone, frowning. He didn’t seem too aware of Virgil’s presence.

Virgil reviewed the situation: Thomas was anxious. Obviously. He was about to text a friend. They hadn’t talked in a while, and left things off in a weird way that no one was happy with. Thomas missed him. He just wasn’t sure _he_ missed him back.

Thomas sighed. He looked up and over to the blinds where Patton (and, now, Deceit) usually stood during discussions, then back down to his phone again. It had locked from inactivity. He huffed in frustration as he keyed his passcode into the screen.

Virgil decided to cut to the chase. 

“Tell him the truth.” 

Thomas practically leaped, his head whipping back up to see his anxious side leveling an accusatory stare at him, one eyebrow raised.

Thomas sighed again. “It’s probably too late...”

“Look, I’m sure he misses you, too.”

“Yeah, _right_. _Clearly_ he does, or he wouldn’t be constantly avoiding me.” Thomas frowned at his phone again.

“You don’t know that. Not for sure. And being sure means you can move forward.”

Thomas gave an empty chuckle, then he leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands, as if denying he could see anything would help him avoid talking about it.

“Pretending you don’t miss him isn’t going to help. Just tell him the truth. Doesn’t he deserve that much?” Virgil asked.

Virgil knew that neither option felt any better than the other. Thomas glanced at Virgil from the corner of his eye. The side slouched even more, eyes flicking between Thomas and a random spot on the floor, almost pleadingly.

“Of course he does. But what if he doesn’t feel the same?”

“Then you apologize. And… you move on.”

Thomas shifted his glare to Virgil. “ _You’re_ saying that?”

Virgil hid his face. Of course he’d be called out. “We all have to try something new at some point, right?”

Thomas’s glare lost its heat. He looked back down again. “I _want_ to apologize, but I feel like-”

“Like no matter what you do, you do the wrong thing. I know.”

Thomas sighed again, frowning at his phone. He hesitated, then deleted his text and wrote, “ _I’m sorry for how we left things. I still care about you. I want to apologize. Can we talk?_ ” 

He stared at the words for a good minute. Then he hit send.

It was the truth, at least. Thomas didn’t feel all that much better, and for that matter, neither did Virgil. Thomas set his phone down and buried his face in his hands again.

“Thanks, Virgil. For being… gentle? Patient? Understanding? Usually you’re the one giving me a hard time about this stuff.”

“I figured you could use a break. I am _trying,_ you know. To help. To be less… aggressive.” Virgil shrugged, looking away. “I’m just filling in for Patton, really. Y’know, what he’d say in this situation and all.”

Thomas looked up and glanced at his- _their_ spot again.

“I figured he would have shown up. To help me, like you just did. Where is he?” he asked.

Virgil shrugged. “With Deceit.”

“Why-”

“Just- don’t ask, Thomas. Now’s… not a great time.”

“When _is_?”

Virgil couldn’t look at Thomas. Thomas rubbed his eyes.

“I just don’t get it. Up until a couple of weeks ago, things were _fine_. Then, it’s like, I don’t know, it’s like I stopped _caring_. About my friends, my family, my own _life_. I was supposed to do laundry, and take a day off to hang out with everyone, but I totally flaked on everything!” Thomas leaned back, sliding a little down the couch. “And I know it’s not Janus’s fault because Janus told me self-care was having clean clothes and spending time with my friends.”

Virgil held back a growl. This was _absolutely_ Deceit’s fault. ‘Janus’ this and ‘Janus’ that, could the snake leave him alone for five goddamn minutes?! He already saw him day after day (Virgil could think of only one reason for wanting to see him _more_ and he was already doing the best he could on that front) and he couldn’t even get away from him in his dreams!

“Why don’t you ask the _Lord of the Lies_ himself?”

“I tried! But he didn’t show up either.”

“So you summoned _me_ instead?”

“Not really… I guess I just got more anxious the longer I waited.”

“You know what? I just- I can’t with you right now.”

And with that, Virgil sank out, refusing to answer Thomas’s summons afterward. He appeared outside of Deceit’s door.

Now that he was here, though, he hesitated. But he brushed it aside, too angry to think at the moment. He knocked and let himself in.

“Thomas wants to talk to Deceit.”

Patton was already half-standing, looking back and forth between the side in the bed and the side who just entered.

“But, Janus isn’t ready for-”

“He can walk now, can’t he? It’s not like he’s a real human, it’s not like he’s going to _disappear_ without you around.”

Patton made a pained sound, but Deceit laid a hand on his arm and said, “It’s fine, Patton. I can go and see what Thomas wants to talk about.”

Patton shook his head. “No! I’ll go!”

“Patton-”

“I’ll go,” Patton said.

Deceit looked into his eyes for a long moment, then nodded gravely before adding, “Then Virgil can stay with me tonight, and you can get some actual sleep.”

Patton’s face scrunched in distress. “Janus-!”

“Thank you, Patton. For everything you’ve done for me. But you _need_ rest.” Something they both agreed on, not that Virgil would ever admit to it.

“Will you…?” Patton glanced worriedly at Virgil.

“Yes, Patton. I’ll tell him. It will be _fine_ , Patton. I _promise_. Go to Thomas.”

Patton glanced a moment at Virgil, then bent down over Deceit. From his angle, Virgil couldn’t tell what he was doing, but it seemed like he was whispering something in Deceit’s ear. Deceit whispered something back, and Patton stood back up, tears forming in his eyes. They were both smiling softly. Virgil felt a pang of jealousy throbbing in his heart, knowing he’d never be the recipient of such fondness. Patton wiped his face on his sleeve, then walked over to Virgil, expression somber.

“Virgil,” he said, voice low. “Please, _please_ , don’t let Janus do anything… _extreme_. _Please_. I know you don’t like him much, but I’m _begging_ you.”

Virgil sighed, but cracked a small smile. “Darn, there goes my plan to secretly help him enter the Olympics.”

Patton didn’t laugh. Virgil’s smile fell, and he said, “Yeah, sure. I’ll try.”

A corner of Patton’s mouth quirked up. “Thank you.”

Patton sunk out slowly, maintaining eye contact with Deceit until he was gone, leaving the two of them alone together. Finally.

Deceit immediately spoke up. “There’s no need for you to actually stay, Virgil. At least, no longer than you’re comfortable with staying.”

Virgil fixed his stare on the reptilian side. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? No, you’re not getting rid of me that easy. I told Patton I’d stay here, and that’s what I’m going to do. And so are you. You said you were going to tell me something?”

Deceit sighed, rolling his eyes and looking away. He looked deep in thought. That never meant good things, in Virgil’s experience.

“Do you remember what it was like? Before you left?”

The question caught Virgil by surprise. “Uh. Yeah, I guess. As much as anyone remembers things that happened years ago.”

A corner of Deceit’s mouth twitched up, not unlike Patton’s had some minutes ago. Virgil wondered who’d picked it up from whom.

“I suppose it’s too much trouble to ask if you ever missed it?”

What was his angle here? Trying to trick Virgil into reminiscing? For what purpose? Virgil’s glower deepened.

Deceit sighed. His shoulders slumped, just a fraction. “I’m only wondering, Virgil, I’m not going to bite you or anything.”

“Why do you want to know?”

Deceit met his eyes, staring levelly. Neither one said anything for what felt like ten minutes, but couldn’t have been more than ten seconds. Virgil broke away first, face flushing from such direct, intense eye contact.

“Can’t a side be curious about what it’s like to be accepted?”

“You are accepted. Sort of.”

“Sort of,” he agreed, nodding.

Virgil bit his lip. The motion drew Deceit’s eyes to it, but they snapped back up to continue boring into Virgil’s. “Honestly? Not really. It was different, back then. Harder. And don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard sometimes, but it’s also easier? ‘Cause now Thomas knows how to, I don’t know, work with me? We work _together_ now, and it’s a lot better than it was when we didn’t.”

Virgil ran a hand through his hair, fixating his gaze on the pattern in Deceit’s rug.

“When you were one of us.”

Virgil looked back at Deceit. His expression was, as usual, unreadable. “Well, yeah.”

Deceit looked away. He took a deep breath. Then he got out of bed.

“What are you doing?!”

Deceit snapped his fingers.

“ _Baking a pie_. What does it look like I’m doing?”

He was now dressed in his best attire, though not quite fully. Virgil was reminded of the courtroom. Whatever Deceit was planning, it couldn’t be good. Virgil could feel his panic rising.

“Patton said-”

Deceit frowned and snapped again, conjuring a pair of yellow socks.

“Patton doesn’t control what I do.”

He put the socks on.

“I said-”

Pulled out a pair of shiny shoes from beneath his bed.

“ _You_ said you would _try_. You tried. It’s not _your_ fault you didn’t succeed.”

Put on one shoe.

“What are you even going to do?!”

Then the other.

“Take a walk.”

Deceit stood up, straightening out his suit and checked his inner breast pocket for something, patting it for extra measure.

“ _What?_ ”

He stood in front of Virgil. He looked shorter without his hat. His hair was a mess of curls. They looked soft.

“I left my favorite hat in the Imagination. I need to go fetch it.”

Virgil blinked incredulously.

“Why _now?_ ”

“Patton would hardly let me out of his sight, let alone this room.”

“Ask Roman or Remus to get it.”

“Alas, I hid it too well. Neither of them would be able to find it.”

“Ask one of them to make you a new one!”

“Are you going to let me go or not?”

“Give me one good reason I should!”

Deceit gave him yet another unreadable expression.

“You want the truth?”

“From you? That would be nice, yeah!” 

Deceit’s eyes narrowed. He stared levelly at Virgil, and the latter could see him measuring his words. He was absolutely planning something. Then he smirked. “Too bad I’m such an unrepentant _liar_ , then, isn’t it?”

Virgil glared at him. Deceit’s smirk only grew wider. There was something going on. He was trying to goad Virgil into doing something stupid.

“Want to know what I’m _planning_? What sort of _dirt_ I have on your _dear_ Patton? Such a _compromising_ position he’s ended up in, hasn’t he?”

Virgil grabbed him by the lapels and pulled him close. “What are you talking about?!”

Deceit laughed, looking at Virgil with some unknown, unnamed emotion roiling in his eyes. “Oh, I can tell you. For a _price_.”

“ _No_. You’re going to tell me what you’re planning, _right now_.”

They were so close. Closer than they’d ever been, even before. Virgil could hear his quickened heartbeat. Or was that his?

“I’ll do you one better: let’s make a _deal_.”

“Fuck your deal, fuck your price, _just tell me what you’re planning_!”

“Ah, ah, ah!” Deceit had the audacity to wag his finger. “You’re going to want to listen. I think this deal will work out _wonderfully_ for you.”

“I know better than to trust _you_.” A flash of... _something_ flickered in Deceit’s eyes. Virgil felt the pit in his stomach deepen.

“Just listen. You can always refuse.”

Virgil glared, then let him go. “Talk.”

“I won’t tell you what I’m going to do, but I assure you it’s for the best.” Virgil scoffed. “I’m going to give you everything you’ve ever wanted from me. _If_ you let me walk out that door, no questions asked.”

Virgil raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Oh, really?”

Deceit gave him a smug smirk. “Yes.”

“So what exactly _do_ I want from you?” For some reason, Virgil’s heartbeat sped up with that question.

“What I _succeeded_ in doing weeks ago, _darling_.” Virgil shivered at that, then gave a loud sigh.

“Dude, just tell me the _truth_.”

“Hmmm.” Deceit mocked studying his nails through his gloves. “I’m going to break Patton’s heart and ride off into the sunset. He’ll be _all yours_. Surely, this is amenable? You’ll never even have to see my ‘creepy, lying _snake-face_ ’ ever again.”

_Fuck. This. Manipulative. Snake._

Virgil’s fist met the other’s jaw before he realized he’d punched him. The other side buckled.

“Don’t you _dare_! He _loves_ you!” He thrust an accusing finger at the smug serpent’s face.

The fucker didn’t even blink.

“Fine. Let me leave and I _won’t_.”

Virgil ground his teeth, then spat out, “ _Fine_. Deal. Do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt Patton, or I’ll pay it back a hundred times, got it?”

That unrecognizable flicker of emotion flashed in his eyes again, at odds with the triumphant smirk on his stupid face.

“Wise decision,” he said as he stood, brushed himself off, and shoved his way past the taller side.

Virgil almost turned around to grab him, but found himself frozen to the spot. His emotions were out of control. His heartbeat was running a mile a minute.

He heard the door open just before Janus said, “For what it’s worth, I missed you, Virgil. And I apologize. For everything. Farewell.”

Virgil stood there dumbly, trying and failing to figure out what just happened. He stayed in the room the rest of the night, waiting for him to return. He was going to get a straight answer out of him if it was the last thing he did, and he wasn’t leaving until he did.

  


Janus never came back. 

The more time passed, the more anxious Virgil became. What happened? Did he actually go into the Imagination? Did he get hurt? He couldn’t get hurt, not _again_ , not after last time, Patton would be _devastated_ , Virgil would be at fault, he couldn’t lose him again, no, no, no, it was all just a bad dream, right? Or Janus was just waiting, just being dramatic, he was going to show up at the last moment and laugh it all off, he couldn’t be gone forever, right? He was _lying_ when he said that Virgil would never see him again, right?

Wasn’t he?

He had to be. Virgil _had_ to see him again. He couldn’t bear _not_ to.

Early in the morning, hours after being left, alone, in Janus’s room, Virgil had crawled into Janus’s bed. He’d pulled Janus’s blankets over himself. They still smelled of lemons and lavender. Of _Janus_.

Virgil couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t even lie to himself anymore.

He wanted Janus to come back. He wanted to see that stupid snake face and his too-pretty eyes and his soft, silky curls under his dumb bowler hat. Just as much as, maybe even more than he’d wanted Patton to hold him close and whisper sweet things into his ears, just as he’d done for Janus. He’d wanted them both and he’d been so afraid neither would want him back, and now he’d ruined it all, because they’d be _together_ and _Janus thought Virgil hated him_ , even though he _didn’t_.

He never had.

  


It was Patton who found him there in the morning. A crying, barely-holding-it-together Patton, tugging uselessly at his sleeves and the sheets that covered him. Virgil didn’t move.

“Virgil.”

Virgil clutched at the sheets, pulling them closer.

“Virgil, please.”

It was his fault.

“Virgil, no, it’s not.”

It was all his fault.

“No, it’s n- it’s not your fault, Virgil, _please_!”

Janus left because of him. Virgil pulled himself into a tight ball, unable to stop the sobs that wracked through his entire being.

“He- he said- his letter- he wanted us to be- to be _happy_. To- together.”

How could either of them be happy without _him_? He left thinking Virgil _hated_ him.

“ _Virgil._ ”

And even if he somehow thought that Patton and Virgil could move on without him, to, what, _bond_ over _losing_ him? It wouldn’t stop them from remembering _why_ it happened.

“V- Virgil, pl- please, just _talk_ to me.”

Patton broke down into full sobs, sinking to the floor. Virgil curled up tighter in the bed, his own tears soaking into the pale yellow fabric.

He wasn’t moving until Janus came back.

**Author's Note:**

> if you like, you can pretend janus does come back and finds everyone upset and angry at him (out of worry) when they're supposed to be happy he was gone, which only solidifies the idea that he can only ever do the wrong thing and decides maybe they really are better off without him 🙃 projecting? who's projecting?
> 
> fun fact: the working title of this fic was "why do i keep doing this i swear i love janus"  
> I kind of wrote this with mutual not-quite-unrequited anxceit (with Virgil being in denial and oblivious/willfully ignorant to Janus’s pining) in mind, but it sort of morphed into Virgil being in denial that he’s both pining and jealous over both Janus and Patton… who are also pining for each other and Virgil.


End file.
